


Sword and Shield

by SamofSams



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I tried to make it historically accurate as well, I wrote what I wanted to see now it's here, Mutual Pining, Original Character(s), POV Female Character, Pining, She's probably a mary sue but it's fun to write her like this, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smart protagonist, Strong Female Characters, pining kanda is still kind of an asshole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-08 20:08:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16435943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamofSams/pseuds/SamofSams
Summary: After working her way from a finder to being a scientist, she is asked to do her science work in the field, but must be accompanied by an exorcists due to the recent threats and activity picking up around the world.Meet Lilian, a slightly vindictive, extremely smart woman who will argue from dawn to dusk. When she's paired off with one of the Black Order's notoriously foul-mouthed and bitter exorcists they both have their work cut out for them.





	1. Hold My Safety Goggles.

There was a light knocking on the hollow metal door to my office startling me out of the silence, then a light calling, “Lilian? Lilian may I come in?” Branch Chief Komui called sweetly.  
I pressed the left-most pedal I had under my desk with my left foot and remotely unlocked the door, too busy to look up from my desk.  
I had my thirtieth golem of the day sitting in a small steel tray, I had removed the cover and looked at the file, reading the complaint filed.   
Just seemed to be a wire broken in the the posterior processing function.  
I grabbed a small flathead screwdriver from the magnetic strip I had installed on my desk, and gently pulled up the half-circle upper median processing board, exposing the small area I needed to get to. Replacing the screwdriver I grabbed a pair of insulated tweezers and my soldering head to my multi-tool fixture from my desk drawer and the roll of solder. Setting out the tools, I attached the soldering iron head and used my far-right foot pedal to supply energy to the multi-tool facet, letting the iron head up. I grabbed my protective glasses and slid them on, then pulled down my magnifying glass and added an extra lense. Using my left hand I used the tweezers to wrap the wires together, then found the best place on the board to solder them, pressing them into the spot with my tweezers, then the tip of my soldering metal piece. I flipped a switch up by my desk’s built-in fluorescent light and turned on the fan.  
While all this was happening I heard Branch Chief Lee come in and quietly make himself a pot of coffee, trying not to distract me.  
I tapped a button on my desk-lamp and turned it on, facing the light towards my small soldering job. Once I felt the iron was sufficiently warm, I quickly soldered the wires together, then onto the board and cut the power to the soldering iron by lifting my foot from the right-most pedal. I put the median processing board back in place and fit the cover back on with a quick snap.   
I turned it on, it spun three times in the air to show it was fixed, then I turned it back off, and set it back in the tray. After a quick note of the repair I made on both copies of its file, I stuck the original back together with the golem while keeping a copy for my records.  
I set the tray and file into my ‘Outgoing’ cubbies on my desk, which is one away from finishing my first batch. Grabbing a new golem from my cubby wall on the left, I grabbed the new file and lifted my protective goggles to read it.  
“Gyroscope friction on the right side...” I mumbled to myself, setting the tray down and sitting down while reading through the new file, then hanging it up on my clipboard above the work area under thr fluorescent lights. I popped the cover off with the same little flathead screw and popped off the upper and lower median processing boards, then pushed past the wires to unscrew the two screws connecting it to the inner shell of the golem and loosening the gyroscope. After a quick twist and a pop the gyroscope came loose into my hand. I tossed it into the ‘moving parts’ recycling and grabbed a spare from the lowest drawer on my right and quickly put it back in with a pop and a twist, then some screws then two processing boards back in place, and the cover snapped back this Golem was good as new. I turned it on, it spun thrice and i turned it off. After making more notes, I put the file back with the golem and started sorting the batch into the appropriate shelf level, alphabetically by continent, region and post number.   
I turned around to grab some coffee and was shocked to nearly run face-first into branch chief Lee’s chest. I gasped slightly, then caught myself and smiled.  
“Goodness gracious, I’m sorry Branch Chief Lee, I forgot you were there for a moment!” I laughed slightly, my british accent ringing true in my voice.  
“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you Lilian. I was just watching how you work. It’s so efficient! And I’m jealous of those modifications you made to your desk, to the whole room, actually!” He smiled and laughed, looking around.  
“I really like how you’ve wired the automated lock to be accessible from your desk! Very handy indeed!”   
I smiled “Thank you! I was actually worried you would scold me about making equipment modifications.” I chuckled slightly.  
“Around here? Pfft-” Branch Chief Lee laughed heartily. “We have guys futzing with hair tonics and transformations out there in broad working space. You’re in no trouble with me.” He smiled and patted my right shoulder.  
“Actually, I did want to get your opinion on something,” I walked back to the desk having him follow me.  
“It’s this exchangeable receptor. I had created a universal bit and receptor to be able to switch between seven different electric-powered tools! I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how to help adjust any wattage for the different tools? I have to have the wattage set to the lowest tool, which then makes my other tools less effective. What would you recommend?”  
His eyes lit up with passion.  
“Well! I Actually have been working on solving a similar issue! I have a bit that not only acts as a power transfer, but a converter as well! If I could get my hands on the bits you're using-”  
“I have two spares right here! Tested and effective, of course.” I smiled at him, scooching him to the right slightly so I could reach into the bottom drawer and retrieve the spare bits.  
“Wonderful! I'll get on this right away!” He smiled and warmly took the two bits from my hands.  
“Wait, Branch Chief Lee, Don’t you have that terrible mountain of work already on your plate? Please, don’t feel pressured to do this.” I was weighted with the sudden realization, and was now worried about bothering him.  
“Lilian, you are giving me a wonderful excuse to avoid all that other terrible paperwork.” He smiled sweetly but I sensed a stressed man behind his smile, like hiding a mountain of clothes behind the closet door waiting to bury the victim who opens the door.  
I smiled, slightly worried, but not poking the bear.  
“Besides, you’ve been proven as the most efficient woman in any of the devisions, plus without this work we wouldn’t be a functioning world-wide organization. You may be stuck in this office for a bit longer, but you’re a savior. Anything I can do to make your job easier is something tangible I can see to helping the world.” He smiled and I was deeply appreciative for his kind words.  
“Thank you, Branch Chief Lee.” I said, nearly in tears.  
“Lilian, Call me Komui. We’ve had this conversation.” He smiled and stuck the bits into his large lab coat pockets, one into a pocket on each side.  
“Yes, but it feels strange. I’ve known you so long under one name.”  
“Well, I first learned you by your finder name, and I re-learned that.” He said, quirking an eyebrow at me with a slight smirk.  
“Fine, fine.” I said, moving past him to the other end of my room, approaching my coffee stand and grabbing a clean mug for myself, pouring my second cup of the day.  
“Komui, please don’t feel pressured to help too soon,” I added sugar and cream, “It’s not a high priority.” I said, then took a sip of my coffee.  
“Well, then I don’t feel any pressure at all.” He said sweetly, and we stood in silence except for the tinkling of my spoon against the side of the cup as I stirred my concoction. I took a sip, satisfied with my coffee, and placed my spoon into the dirty dishes bin next to the sink.  
“Hey Lilian, how do you feel about Delamonde?” Komui asked and I chuckled.  
“Do you want the diplomatic or the abrasive version?” Moving back to my desk, I passed Komui to sit down in my regular chair.  
“Which one is more truthful?” He asked, taking a sip of his coffee.   
“Both are truthful,” I retorted, “and accurate, though one includes my profound skills in profanity.”  
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear.” He quirked an eyebrow at me over his mug.  
“I can swear in fifteen languages. I grew up in a port town and my mother ran an inn that also served as a bar nightly. I grew up with bar fights, sea shanties, swearing like a sailor, and hearty stews. Though I prefer the English, Irish, and Scottish classics.” I smiled, then took a sip of my coffee, then set it down on my desk in the work area.  
“Pardon me.” I said as I started shifting my fixed golems out of their cubbies and carrying them over to the outgoing golem shelves to the right of my desk, arranging them by continent then region, leaving the rest for the end of the day.  
“So, I guess I want the abrasive version.” Komui said after a considerable amount of silent contemplation.  
“Well, I think he’s a fuckin prig and just because he’s been in this position since the dawn of time doesn’t mean he’s good at it, or even deserves a title. Ever since I’ve been here I’ve taken on all of my projects, with extra time left and have been taking that bawbag’s extra work thanks to Reever practically begging me since the gombeen of a fatass can’t seem to work his set hours or even get more than a few golems done in an hour. He’s a rat bastard with the temperament of a possessed toddler and the face of a drowned victim. He’s a lazy, inconsiderate, jaded, cocky, off his trolley man who needs to be taken down a peg.” I said, never stopping my work to look at Komui and then shifted over to the wall adjacent to the one my desk is set against parallel from the door. It hosts the cubbies of all of the golems that still need to be fixed this week, then shifted to grab the golems out of the third horizontal row up, moving them to the shelf to the left of my desk, then took another sip of my coffee.  
“Do you think he would ever be able to go out into the field? Go from location to location fixing golems?”  
“Only if you want to risk the lives of thousands of finders.” I said, scoffing slightly as I sat on my modified office chair.  
“How would you like to do that?” He asked and I smiled.  
“Be able to go out into the world, visit some of my old Finder friends while fixing golems and travel? Sounds like torture, it’s not like I speak five languages or am able to blend into crowds or are able to fistfight or sweet talk my way out of most situations or still be able to use up-to-date finder equipment.” I turned to Komui and looked up at him. “It sounds like torture, and a terrible idea.” I stated, sarcasm dripping from my words.  
“Would you please do it?” Komui asked, putting his coffee mug on the desk next to mine, dropping to his knees and grabbing my right hand. “For the love of God, if he went out into the field the whole world would know who, what, and where we are! He would run our secret name through the mud!” Komui started to be consumed by his worries and stress.  
“Komui get a hold of yourself!” I shook him by the shoulders slightly and he started to regain composure.  
“If it’s something i can take off your plate, I’d be happy to. Just don’t let this be another thing you have to worry about. If you need help in your office, let me know and I can start to help you organise with some of my free time. You’re going to drown if you continue in a way like this.” I pleaded with him, and he just paused with a desperate stare on his face.  
“Really?” He asked and I nodded, smiling.  
“Of course. You’ve helped me out plenty of times, It’s worth it to give a helping hand back to you. I don’t like seeing you suffer.”  
Komui nodded, then started to smile. “When you get back from the trip, why don’t we start on that together?” He asked.  
I nodded. “Of course. Now, Mr. Flare for the dramatic, I need to keep on working if I want to keep the flow of the day going. I’ve already accomplished two batches and want to finish a third before taking my thirty minute break.” I said, patting his hands then turning to orient myself back to my desk.  
“This is why you’re one of my favorites.” Komui smiled and stood up.  
“You’re not allowed to know that. I’m going to let you get back to work. Plus I’ll have to tell Delamonde that he’ll have to take back the rest of his work.”  
“What about my work? Will he have to take that over as well?” I asked, caring about the health of the finders that these golems belong to, not my idiotic Co-worker.  
“That’s what you’ll be doing. He’ll take care of his regular shipments, but you’ll be going out and fixing up batches in the field, cutting back on the amount needed for repair here in the office. We already had a route and date in place we just needed a scientist, You or Delamonde, who could fill in the place. No stress. Though, for safety, we’ve assigned you an exorcist to serve as your escort.” He said, picking up his mug once more.  
“Sounds very secure.” I said with a smile, turning back to my work and opening the file placed on top of the golem and clipped it to the vertical clipboard and removed the golem from the tray, laying it gingerly in my work space.  
“Yes Ma’am. Now, I’m going to deal with Delamonde-”  
“Good luck.”  
Komui gave me a pointed look that I couldn’t help but smirk at.  
“And tell him about his rejection.” He continued.  
“Wait, you mean you told him before you told me?” I asked, slightly confused.  
“He was the one who gave us the proposal, but he had himself in mind when he submitted the paperwork. I thought it was a great idea when it came in for approval, but we needed to make a few changes and create the route through europe, but we all knew he was clearly not suited for the mission.”  
“Well, thank you for choosing me.” I smiled and continued work, popping off the golem’s cover, then reading the issue report.  
I popped one of the wings out of the socket after loosening the holding joint, then replaced it with a spare, lubricated it slightly and tightening it again.  
“Of course.” Komui smiled as I successfully tested another golem, turned it off again, made notes on the files and kept my copy. I put it in my desk cubby hole and kept on going.  
Komui left with a little “Goodbye Lilian, I’ll have your exorcist drop off the mission plan once it’s finalized.” He said.  
“Good day Komui, I hope you feel a little bit better with some coffee in you.” I chuckled and he left.  
I was able to work in quiet for about half an hour before there was another knock at the door, this one harsh and succinct.   
I pressed the leftmost foot pedal and opened the metal door for my guest.  
“Welcome in Kanda, pillows and blankets are in the same place as always.” I said as I looked back from my work to tell him where things were.  
“Mmm.” He just acknowledged my existence and grabbed what he needed. I went back to fixing the golem and he set up what I call his ‘meditation nest’. It's a bedroll I provide with a blanket that he rolls out onto the metal surgical table in the center of my room. This room used to serve as an operating room when part of the medical ward was up here, but the offices were freed up and some scientists were moved in. I was originally out in the main science hall, but some of the scientists were distracted, intimidated or scared by having a woman scientist around. Plus, Reever became over protective of me which took his energy away from the science and management. This was an upgrade and a good change.  
“Was the training hall too crowded?” I asked.  
“Tch. There were too many people talking too loudly and misusing the equipment.” He grumbled, grabbing what he needed from the free shelf of the ‘outgoing’ racks.  
“Well, welcome in. I'll leave you in peace.” I said, popping on the cover of the golem.  
Kanda just grunted with slight gratitude and set himself up as I tested the golem.  
We sat in a comfortable quiet, just his deep breathing and my light clinking and tinkering.  
I was to the fifteenth golem when there was a heavy knock on the door.  
Engulfed in my work soldering part of a processing board, I just opened the door without a second thought.  
“Abney!” There was a gruff bellow directed at me from the door. I stopped soldering and looked over from my work with my protective goggles on.  
Delamonde stood huffing in the doorway. Whether it was anger, or the fact that he had to walk all the way here from his office, that caused him to puff like an asthmatic walrus I will never know.  
“Ah. Delamonde. How far are you with-” I started calmly, while taking off my glasses, only to be interrupted.  
“Who the hell, do you think, you are?” He wheezed in between the shouting words, trying to catch his breath.  
“You come in and run amok! Who do you think you are? You steal my golem cases by the dozens, and don't even offer an apology and you make no attempt to connect as coworkers! You are inconsiderate, unprofessional and ungrateful!” He approached my chair, trying to stand over me. I turned my chair and pushed out from the desk to face him. “You think that I'll fall for your wiles like the rest of these scientists and idiots who will fall for a bosomed woman, well you are wrong! I bet you have them under your spell by learning some tricks from your whore mother! You are so disrespectful, I shoul-”  
“You should what?” I bellowed over him, snapping up from my seat. I was by no means taller than him, but I was leagues meaner.  
“You are a foul-mouthed shithead of a coworker who is so consumed with his own ego to even think of the lives you put at risk by procrastinating on this work! I've taken your jobs because you have backlogs from months ago! I take those cases because our supervisors have begged me! If you think I want to take on more work you're a feckin gobshite!” I started walking him backwards towards the door, him almost turning pale from my verbal onslaught.  
“I have more dedication to this job and my comrades lives than you will ever know you bloody pillock!” I backed him back out of the doorway to my office, into the main hall with most of the science lab desks.  
“Now next time you decide to come storming into my office completely unwarranted because you have some petty secret vendetta, not only insinuating that I am a seductress, but that I have an unsatisfactory work ethic, I will kick your ass into next fucking week you fuckin’ gormless chav!” I backed him into someone's empty desk, and he was almost climbing over it, trying to escape. “And my mother was a saint!” I finished. He backed up for a moment then closed his eyes.   
I scoffed and stood back. After taking one last look at the sad excuse for a human being in front of me I turned around and started back to my office in a huff.  
A pain and heat smashed into my head on the left side, leaving me disoriented for a moment before every instinct I had screamed at me.  
I realised that Delamonde landed a left hook from behind directly to my left cheekbone and ear. He didn't have enough force to make my eardrum pop, but it was enough to shock me and cause me to take two steps forwards. The sensitive skin behind my ear stung from the metal hook of my earring puncturing the skin. Fury swept through my body  
“This is your fucking end, you hog!” I planted my left foot on the floor between his feet and used my right hand to punch him so hard in the face that blood instantly sprang forth from a clearly broken nose. He recoiled and I used my left hand to grab his tie to pull his head down as I pulled my knee up to deflate his lungs.  
“Kanda! Grab her!” Someone behind me yelled.  
Suddenly there were two arms under my armpits and I was lifted up. I tried to squirm out of it, until I just brought my right foot all the way up while being lifted, catching Delamonde’s chin in the process and sending his head snapping backwards, blood flung into the air with the force of my strike.  
I was hefted over a shoulder and I knew the fight was over.   
“They won’t be able to stop me next time.” I stated, starting to calm down.  
Kanda kicked my door closed behind us and set me down on the table he prepared for himself with the bedroll and blanket. He handed me a bit of paper towel, which I was confused about at first, then he pointed to his ear, and it clicked.  
“Ah, yeah. Thanks.” I pulled out my left earring and cleaned up whatever blood I could without seeing the wound. It still stung and throbbed with pain, but I felt better after seeing the bleeding stop. I put my earring back in with jittery hands. My arms shook from the adrenaline, and my heart was beating out of my chest, but I was breathing steadily, calming myself slowly. But one phrase, a single sentence stuck into my brain like a thorn in my side. I sat in silence, battling with my own brain, then tears started to drop from my eyes onto my lap, to which Kanda disappeared.  
“My mother was a saint.”   
Angry, bitter tears streamed down my face, and I clenched my skirt in my hands, unable to physically act upon any of the primal urges that were still screaming in the back of my mind. Instinct and logic faced each other in my internal struggle for stability.  
Kanda stood in front of me, and I didn't look up.  
“Here.” He held out my cup of coffee to me, so I looked down at it.  
I took it gingerly and looked up at Kanda.  
“Thank you Kanda, I'm sorry to cause trouble.”  
“That was probably the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.” He huffed, smiling slightly and then sat back down on the table at the other end. ”If you weren’t going to kick his ass, I was. He was loud, rude, and all around annoying. Walking everywhere like he owns the place, tch. I would’ve loved to slice him up a little bit.” Kanda smiled evilly, and I just barely cracked a grin.  
Thats slightly disturbing… But thanks for the sentiment?  
I nodded, took a sip of my coffee, then continued to down the rest of the cold coffee and just sat there with my cup, staring at the empty bottom. Kanda resumed his meditation, and I just sat there and listened to Kanda’s breathing, it was steady and methodic, full of focused and calm intention. It was relaxing to have that soft sound of his breathing.  
I got down gingerly, trying my best to not disturb him and set my coffee mug in the sink, then returned to my last golem. I finished, working slowly with my shaking hands.  
I transferred all of my golems into the outgoing shelves then loaded up another batch, finally levelling out and fully calming down to be able to work. I had just sat down when there was a light knock on the door. I pushed my wheelie stool back from my desk, and was standing when Kanda got down from his meditative station and opened the door, standing in the doorway.  
“Ah, Kanda, you’re still here. Is Lilian inside?” I heard Komui’s voice as I walked up behind Kanda’s expansive shoulders.  
“Yes, Bran- Komui. I’m here.” Kanda moved out of the way as I spoke, and Komui came into the office.  
“Here, use this.” Komui smiled as Kanda let the door close, going back to his meditation nest. Komui held out a square packet wrapped in a washcloth. I opened my hand and took the packet, then held it to my face.  
“Thanks for the icepack.” I smiled, then grimaced while reflecting upon my actions.  
“Sorry about losing my temper. I can usually contain myself, but I can’t take it when-”  
“If you didn’t someone was going to.” He gently said, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder “Reever nearly did it himself when he saw Delamonde going to your office. Hell, I nearly did it too! I’m glad you stood up for yourself. You don’t deserve any of his shit. And honestly, that was the best fucking thing I’ve seen in years.” He burst out laughing.  
“Lenalee would have your hide if she heard you swear.” I smiled, chuckling a bit too.  
“But he’s under a strict probation right now. He’s practically chained to his desk with a bucket.” Komui stood to his full height, and put his hands in his gigantic pockets.  
I braced myself mentally then made eye contact with Komui. “So, what’s my punishment?” I asked, slightly nervous, but ready to bear the consequences of my actions.  
“You? Pfft- in this situation you’re the golden child! You acted in self defense the entire way, plus you’re his superior in work ethic, productivity, social standing and every other aspect. You’re only equals in your job titles. Then again… Reever and I have talked-”  
“Oh no.” my stomach sank.  
“We’ll talk about it after you get back from your trip. In the meantime,” he smiled and pulled an entire manila folder from his lab coat. “Here’s your mission file. It starts in three days, so I recommend looking over it.” He said, then put a hand on my head. “Don’t worry about a thing. Everything will go great.” He smiled, then he walked over to Kanda and handed him a matching manila folder.  
“I trust you’ll look over the details.” He said, handing it to Kanda, who immediately looked through the mission, filing paper after paper, eyes flitting back and forth.  
“Fine.” He sighed, then shoved all the papers back into the folder and plopped it next to him.  
“Firecracker, this is a mission of the utmost importance.” Komui smiled and I laughed a little bit.  
“Oh god, I should never have chosen that finder name. They should never allow twelve year olds to choose their own name.” I groaned, then opened up the envelope and looked through the files.  
“18 Weeks?!” I exclaimed, looking at the mission cover with the synopsis.

 

“I told you, it won’t be easy.” Komui said, raising his eyebrows.  
“I already accepted, I won’t back down on this. But, let me review it tonight. When do you want us to leave?”  
“Day after tomorrow.” Komui said extremely seriously, and my heart nearly stopped.  
“Day. After tomorrow?” I took a moment to process, then looked at the wall of work I had to complete. “God damn.” I whispered to myself.  
“I’ll do it, but I’ll have to pull an all-nighter to get this done beforehand.” I turned back to my work and finishing the golem Delamonde interrupted me from.  
“Komui, I’ll need a refill on coffee beans.” I smiled at him and set back to work.

The next few hours were a blur of work over work over more work, many hours and buzzing fluorescent lights set my brain into a buzz. I finished the entire wall, not even daring to look at the clock once I had set to work. My eyes were aching and my brain pounding, and as I finally pushed my chair back from the desk with bare feet and an empty coffee mug, I heard shuffling behind me. I turned around and saw Kanda sliding off of the table, then he approached me.  
“How long have you been here?” I asked in my soft, barely used voice, coffee mug in hand.  
“I fell asleep here while I was meditating last night.” Kanda said, stretching out.  
I may or may not have admired his physique while he stretched. He was built for lean power, he was naturally slight, with a bony frame with muscle packed on top. Each motion brought muscles to work, when I was suddenly distracted by pain.  
“Well I’m glad you’re comfortable.” I said, then rubbed my tired, aching eyes trying to subside the pounding headache. “Did you eat? Or leave at all?”  
“Of course. I’m not an idiot trapped here.” Kanda said, huffing.  
“I didn’t hear you come or go at all.”  
“I propped the door open with a screwdriver when I wanted to come back. Turns out everyone was being assholes or idiots yesterday.” Kanda said and I was just stuck on trying to process why he was still here at all.  
“Must be a full moon.” I mumbled, still trying to figure out how to subside any of the pain.  
There as a knock at the door and a muffled voice beyond the door.  
“Lilian? Lilian can I come in?” Komui called and I rolled my chair back into my desk to reach the foot pedals, and tapped the unlock.  
He opened the door as I stood up on frail legs, and walked to the sink. Komui followed and Kanda started to roll up the bedrolls and blankets. I rinsed my mug and placed it on the drying rack to the right of the sink, then turned around to walk back to the drawer. Stacks of the golems’ trays sat in the outgoing area and my desk was stacked with files over files.  
“Did you finish everything already?” Komui asked, looking around from his freshly filled cup of coffee at the chaos of the room.  
“I pulled an all-nighter so I could rest before the mission.” I mumbled, walking back to my chair to slide on my heeled shoes.  
“Lilian, It’s noon. When was the last time you ate?” Komui asked, coming up behind me and putting a hand on my shoulder.  
“I… Don’t remember. Honestly, I don’t know.” My head throbbed and unbearable ringing filled my ears with every word I spoke.  
“You should eat.”  
“I’ll eat later, I just need a nap, or some caffeine, or something. I’m just going to go sleep it off, that sounds good right now.” My stomach turned at the thought of food, and my entire body pulsed.  
“You don’t handle all-nighters very well anymore. I remember when you got here you would stay awake for three to four days on end. You scared the shit out of some scientists, they thought you were a ghost, with you wandering the halls in that white nightgown of yours.” Komui offered me a hand up, which I took on wobbly ankles.  
“That was insomnia mixed with an unfortunate experience with time-zone changes. I’ve managed myself well since then. I don’t know why, but I just can’t seem to do it anymore.”  
“You’ve gotten too comfortable.” Kanda answered my train of thought, walking past Komui and I to the door, kicked a screwdriver inside the room then left in a stark manner.  
“Always a stick up his ass.” Komui said and walked me to the door. “Here, I’ll walk you back to your apartment.”  
“I’ll be okay. Thank you though.” I said as we stepped into the dim library of the scientists. My throbbing subsided slightly, with the dim light and I saw Kanda walking away.  
“He’s so talented, I just wish he was less of a jerk.” Komui remarked as he noticed me watching Kanda.  
“I don’t think he’s necessarily a ‘jerk’. He may not be kind, but he has always been logical and observant, he just lacks the ability to communicate kindly. But kind or not, he’s right. I have settled down and gotten comfortable here, if it weren’t for my goals or grudges, I may have even gotten comfortable enough to forget why I came here in the first place.” I was sobered by his words, and put back into my finder state of mind.  
I always hated thinking like that. The state of paranoia keeping you from being able to get to know your fellow finders, lest they turn out to be an akuma in disguise or die the next day. You see awful things, so many dead people’s faces, or their decimated bodies that soon turn to ash.  
I had tried to save them, so many of them. A mother and child, the mother clutching her son so tight he had almost made it. Their ashes blew away at my touch.  
If nearly forgetting those images had made me comfortable or weak, I would gladly take those titles with a proud face.  
“But still, he needs to learn to keep his tongue with others.” Komui said, I felt like he was cutting his sentence short, there was so much more he said with his eyes. He knew so much more than he would say.  
“I don’t mind honesty, even in a cruel or harsh manner. I would much rather be cut by the blade of truth, than be crushed under the lies of others.” I said quietly, sighing and turning the opposite direction of Kanda.  
I turned and started to walk to my room, quietly accompanied by Komui.  
We reached my apartment and I unlocked the door.  
“Feel better Lilian, rest up. You leave at six in the morning tomorrow.” He said and I nodded, smiling slightly.  
“Thank you Komui, I appreciate it.”   
I closed the door and dropped onto my bed, in shoes, labcoat, and all, and just slept.  
I don’t know how many hours had passed, but there a knocking on my door woke me up enough to be slightly conscious.   
“Come in-” I called, not moving from my face-down position on my bed.  
“You forgot the mission details, you’ll need to review them before we take off tomorrow. I’m not going to accompany a dumbass for eighteen weeks.” Kanda’s deep voice filled the space in my room.  
“Thanks, just leave it on the night stand.” I muttered, gesturing with my right hand to the general area the nightstand stood in.  
After a quiet tap of his boots, and the plop of the paper on my night stand there was silence for a moment, and I turned my head to look up at him. Kanda was staring intently at a photo sitting on my nightstand, which you could barely make out in the light from the door.  
It was a family photo, featuring my matrilineal line. My grandmother, her white hair streaked with red where it peaked out from the scarf she used to cover her hair, sat in a chair in front. My mother and her brother stood behind the chair shoulder to shoulder, his large stature, red hair and broad shoulders contrasted my mothers’ petite frame, black hair and soft features. My uncle was a handsome man in his youth, long red hair pulled back into a ponytail and glasses sitting balanced on his nose, complimenting his shaven face. My mother took more after her father’s side with her rosy cheeks, full lips and porcelain skin. Then on either side of my grandmother stood my brother and I. I stood with my Uncle on the right side of the picture, my red hair just as vibrant as his. My brother, a foot or so taller than me, took after our father’s side, with his mousy brown hair and constellation-like freckles.  
I grew nervous, fearing what he may have been realizing, then he turned around and left. My heart continued to beat against my ribcage even after the door had clicked closed. I sat up, then took the picture frame into my hands.  
Only Komui and the highest-ranking staff know about my relationship to Uncle. I don’t know if it’s for everyone else’s sake, or mine, but Kanda wouldn’t care either way. I don’t even know why I’m worried about it, Kanda doesn’t care about anything, really. I’m just the finder he fought with and the lady who hosts him when he’s feeling exceptionally like an ass. I shouldn’t even be perturbed by this.  
I sighed and stared at the picture, burning my mother’s face into my brain. I had done it so many times, but each time, there was a little bit less I remembered. It was a happy life with my family, but everything ends eventually. At least the experiences I had have helped shape me into who I am today, for better or for worse.  
I turned the picture face-down so I wouldn’t have to look at it anymore. I lay back onto my bed and fell asleep for a few more hours, then waking again. I awoke slowly, at first my brain feeling like it was stuffed with cotton balls. My eyes were hesitant to open, but my brain was awake and running already. The anxiety of the approaching mission buzzed in the back of my brain until I started to plan what I’m going to pack and finally, I gathered the energy to try and get up. Each inch of my flesh felt like it had been replaced with lead.  
I stood and walked around my tiny, square room that somehow still had walking space even after I had stacked it from wall to wall with bookshelves and research notes. My bed was tucked into the back left corner from the door, with the night stand tucked next to it, then a bookshelf, a skinny but tall corner vanity took up the back right corner, then the rest of my walls were lined with bookshelves. Not all of the shelves actually held books, mind you, but they were nice to hold my magic supplies, my golem supplies, all sorts of things, really.  
I stood and walked to the corner vanity, then tucked my hair back into my large bun and straightened my dress.  
I turned on the lamp that occupied my bedside table and picked up the manila folder.  
Wait. I had to pause for a moment while looking through the folder, then closing it and looking at the front of the folder and examining it, making sure it was actually my folder. How in the world did he get into my office? It’s always locked and secured. And why did the feel he needed to bring this to me? I’m going back to my office for some of my tools anyways.   
I sighed, confused and slightly irritated at his behavior.  
That boy always finds a way to surprise me. Ever since I was a finder he was always an enigmatic presence. He can’t be much older than Lenalee or I, I wonder how long he’s been an exorcist?  
After looking through the file completely, I was comforted that the 18-week schedule was a cautionary time frame, as to not rush the fieldwork. It would be closer to 100 days, rather than the full 126, shaving off nearly a month of travel time.  
I packed the file within my personal suitcase, with all of my garments, toiletries, and hair bobbles, then grabbed my empty metal toolbox and set off to my office. I was still fairly groggy from my nap, and I was unsure of what time of day it was, and walking around the completely indoor hallways did nothing to cure the dubiousness of the time.  
I went to my office, and packed all of my regular tools, setting them in their specific spots in my tool box and creating extra space. I packed my soldering equipment and solder as well, my protective goggles, oil, gloves, magnifying glasses, specialty screwdrivers and a bag of spare parts, then a smaller bag of spare screws, joints, gears and cogs, etc. I pulled the mission details folder out of my bag and held onto them to read over food. After I was adequately prepared, I set the bags by the door in my office and set off to get myself some food, turning off the lights.  
The science division was especially quiet, which put an eerie feeling in my bones.  
It’s like when I first arrived to central. Wandering at godforsaken hours to try and wear myself out. I reminisced about my arrival. It was over a year ago, but I’ve grown into myself since then. I was able to settle and work hard, the only thing getting me closer to my goal.  
I walked to the cafeteria, and there was only a smattering of people sitting around, rather than the rambunctious uproar of the full room. I walked up to the ordering counter, and the man sitting behind the counter just looked up at me from his newspaper and smiled.  
“Hello, what can I get for you tonight?” His bushy black moustache matched his thick eyebrows and hair, and he stood up from his seat.  
“Good evening, may I please have a six-ounce latte with a bit of cinnamon, then a cup of oatmeal with honey and berries in it? And some French toast.” I said, and he just smiled and nodded.  
“Coming right up, little lady.”  
I waited at the counter for my order and the man returned with my tray of food, which hosted a small glass vase, no taller than my index finger holding a sprig of tysbast, then my regular order of food. I smiled and thanked him for the food, curtseying slightly, and went to one of the nearby long tables.  
I set the tray down, then stepped into the bench and arranged the skirts around me as I sat down.  
I looked at the food and was pleasantly surprised. My French toast had whipped cream in the shape of a heart on the top with syrup drizzled over it, then my oatmeal had berries also arranged in a heart. I looked to my latte and that had a heart in it too! I smiled widely and couldn’t stifle a giggle.  
“What’s so funny?” There was a voice behind me that caused me to gasp and stiffen my back so quickly I nearly jumped out of my seat.  
I whipped around to see Kanda in his full Exorcist's uniform, carrying Mugen in his belt.  
“Good god! You scared the daylights out of me Kanda!” I huffed, then clutched my heart.  
He stared at me blankly, then nudged his chin forward, asking me again.  
“If you must know, I ordered food and was happily surprised when I found that the chef had put hearts in all of my food. And with a small vase with a local flower. It’s very nice of him.” I said, then turned around and took a sip of my coffee. I was sad to ruin the heart design, but the coffee was great. I waved at the man from my seat with a smile.  
He gave me a thumbs-up and a wink then went back to reading.  
Kanda just sighed and moved to the window, and ordered his food.  
I started eating my oatmeal, cooling off each bite with a blow of the breath and opened up the folder again, reading through the first week of itinerary in detail again.  
“Didn't you read it yet?” Kanda asked, slightly annoyed as he sat across from me with his tray of soba.  
“I’ve already read it, This is just me detail searching. I read the whole file already, but it was too much information to take in and reliably memorise details so I -”  
“Fine. As long as you’ve already read it.” Kanda cut me off and I continued to eat and read, never taking my eyes off of the file.  
“It’s rude to interrupt people, especially while they’re answering a question that you asked.” I sighed, never taking my eyes off of my reading. I turned the page and read through the approximate maintenance numbers to expect.  
It’s nice that they’re sending me out during the summer, but the winters up here in the north are the worst conditions for the golems, they should have sent me out four months from now to help cut the incoming loads due to the lack of full coverage and proper cold-climate care. Although, I will be coming back during December, so that may cut the amount of cases from incoming areas of Russia.  
I put down my spoon and drank some of my coffee, then grabbed the pencil out of my breast-pocket and started to make notes in the margins of the paper with my left hand while eating the oatmeal with my right.  
Kanda and I just sat in silence as usual, eating our meals.  
“What time is it?” I asked, looking up from the file around the room, then to Kanda who finished slurping his noodles to respond,  
“It’s about four in the morning. Sun’s already rising though.” He said around his mouthful of food. I was shocked.  
“How did I sleep such strange hours? How are you up so early?” I asked myself, then looked forwards to Kanda, wide-eyed with surprise.  
That’s why it’s so empty. Most people from the science division don’t get up until five.  
“I wake and sleep with the sun. It’s easiest that way.” Kanda said, raising more noodles to his mouth and then slurping them up.  
Damn, that’s intense. That’s Kanda for you though, ‘intense’ is probably one of the nicer ways to describe him. ‘Wake and sleep with the sun’-  
“It’s the easiest time for you, huh? Barely any people, just you and the sun.” I smiled, remembering my morning light moments. I would wake before the sun to help mom prepare breakfast for the bed and breakfast, but we would always have breakfast outside or by the window while watching the sun rise.  
Kanda locked eyes with me for a moment before huffing and going back to eating.  
I ate and took notes for awhile, and finished quickly. The food was so good, I ate it so fast it practically disappeared into thin air. After a few more pages were noted I closed the folder and stood up.  
“Want me to take the tray for you?” I asked as Kanda sipped his tea.  
He just closed his eyes and sighed, his grumpy-ass version of yes.  
I grabbed the tray as he finished his tea and set the cup on top of it. With a tray in each hand I went to the bussing station and quickly went through the old motions of scraping, tapping, shelving and doing it over again.   
I used to help my mother in our Inn by bussing tables while my brother would clean the dishes with our other dish boy. Just the thought recalled scented soaps to my mind, and the image of my brother with his arms up to his elbows in water, his hair pulled back with a bandana like the way Nonna liked to wear it.  
I finished quickly and went back to the table, where Kanda was standing, ready to go. I grabbed my file and we walked out into the hall. I just walked back to my office while Kanda left in the other direction to do whatever he does.  
I opened the door and walked right on in, turning on the light then discarded my science division coat onto the hatrack while grabbing a long wool petticoat and scarf. I then turned on my heels and lay the items of clothing down over my cases. I walked over to my desk and looked through the drawers one more time before being fully satisfied that I was packed and prepared. The quiet confines of my office had become my home for a good amount of time, happy with my work and coworkers. I sat on my regular chair and just stared at my desk.  
I wonder how much everything here will change. If everyone will be the same when I return. I sighed, wheeling around the metal table in the middle of the room, just schooching around, after awhile I just kept going faster and faster, laughing to myself in the little room as I privately made an ass out of myself.  
I stopped after awhile and looked at the clock, it was only 4:30 a.m.  
I still have an hour and a half to go, what should I do?  
I sat in my chair for a bit then looked at my family photos. I was only allowed to take so many, to keep space available in my bags from home, but the rest were safe in the attic at home. It felt strange thinking about anyone but us living and growing up in that house, but it was worth it to rent out the family home for an added cushion to help keep the Inn at it’s best. Running the business from so far away was not easy, but it was worth it. I had the ring of people in my hometown, which is now a bustling city along with successful import and export hub. I know that everything’s only a phone call away.  
I looked at the photos and paused by the one of my brother and I when we had become finders together. We were so happy to be together, trying to find our uncle. At first we wanted to find him to be a part of a family again, then I wanted to find him to answer my questions, now I just want to gut-punch the bastard. Nonna revealed the truth about our family and our connection to the Black Order to my brother and I before she passed away, while our uncle was visiting when he was still just a scientist. He left before she died, and left the family with a death and a disappearance.  
Since her death and the destruction of our parents, grandfather, and most of the elderly population in the town at the hands of the Akuma, with Uncle nowhere to be found, my brother and I enrolled ourselves as finders under my father’s last name, and decided to hunt him down wherever we could.  
I put the photo down again, and sat around for awhile, just reminiscing. I remembered my grandmother’s favorite work songs while we would trim Wisteria on the side of her stone cottage that she and my grandfather lived in. I remembered running my small hands over each soft flower, starting at the base of the bloom and running the blossoms through my fingers as I gently pulled down.  
“Who can sail where there is no wind?  
Who without oars can go rowing?  
Who can go far away from friends without tears a-flowing?  
I can, I can sail where the winds don’t blo-w.  
But I can’t go away from friends, and shed not a single tear.  
I can sail where there is no wind,  
I without oars can go rowing,  
But I can’t go away from friends without tears a-flowing.” I sang powerfully with pride, with the lyrics written in my bones from the love put into that song by my grandmother. I have no idea where she learned it from, but the song resounded through my memory of her and the harmony we would make while working together.  
I repeated it again, this time standing and using my diaphragm, listening to the echo of myself in my office while loving the words passing through my lips. I sang the sea chanties of my childhood loudly and with love in my office, then pulling out the paper I remembered I had neglected to file. I organised them paper by paper while singing, keeping myself in high spirits before I set off for almost six months away from my home.  
“Maiden, Maiden, tell me true,  
What can grow without the dew?  
What can burn for years and years?  
What can cry and shed no tears?  
Tum Bala, tum bala, tum balalaika,  
Tum bala, tum bala, tum balalaika,  
Tum Balalaika, Tum balalaika, tum balalaika, tum balalaika, Tum balalai-  
Silly lad, the answer true.  
A storm can grow without the dew,  
Love can burn for years and years,  
A heart can cry and shed no tears.  
Tum Bala, tum bala, tum balalaika,  
Tum bala, tum bala, tum balalaika,  
Tum Balalaika, Tum balalaika, tum balalaika, tum balalaika, Tum balalai-”  
I finished my song, and started straight into the next one. There was still more papers that hadn't been sorted, so I sang another song. After I finished sorting all of my papers, I checked the clock to be pleasantly surprised that it was already 5:30.  
“Oh we’d be alright if the wind was in our sails-   
And we'd be alright if the wind was in our sails,   
and we'd be alright if the wind was in our sails, and we'll all hang on behind-  
And we'll roll the old chariot along  
We'll roll the old chariot along  
We'll roll the old chariot along  
We'll all hang on behind.” I sang while putting on my coat, buttoning it up all the way, then grabbing my scarf and draping it over my shoulders.  
“Oh we’d be all right if we make ‘round the horn-  
We’ll be alright if we make it ‘round the horn-  
We’d be alright if we make it ‘round the horn-  
And we’ll all hang on behind-  
And we’ll roll the old chariot along,  
We’ll roll the old chariot along,  
We’ll roll the old chariot along  
And we’ll all hang on behind.” I tugged on a pair of white gloves pulled from my coat pocket, opened my door, turned off the light and grabbed my bag and toolbox.  
“And a little bit o’ love wouldn’t do us any harm,  
And a little bit o’ love wouldn’t do us any ha-”  
“Lilian!” Johnny yelled from behind me, scaring me so badly I gasped and nearly dropped my luggage. I turned around and he stopped running just short of me.  
“Johnny, are you okay?” I asked, putting my luggage down to hold my arms out, lest he keel over.  
“I needed to let you know,” He panted between words, then stood straight from his knelt over position. “We all hope that you have a good journey, and Reever wanted to remind you to take this,”  
Johnny pulled rustled through his pockets and pulled something out of a pocket inside his science division coat. I opened my hand and he dropped a deactivated golem into it.  
“It’s one of our Science division ones.” He smiled, meeting mine as I raised an eyebrow. “But you probably already knew that.” I smiled and nodded at him, then put it into my pocket and hugged him.  
“Thank you Johnny, I really appreciate it.”  
“Oh! That’s right!” Johnny pulled away and grabbed something out of his other inside pocket and handed me a small package wrapped in brown paper and a bow.  
“We figured it might help you out with being attatched at the hip with Kanda, along with recording those really cool adventures I’m sure you’re bound to have!” He hugged me again and I placed a hand on his back, squeezing him gently.  
“Thank you guys so much. You guys are the best.”  
“Safe Travels Lillian”  
“Thank you so much Johnny.” I almost cried. I was always overwhelmed when shown affection nowadays, if it’s concern over my wellbeing, little gifts, or just asking if I’m doing ok. It was so easy for me to shut myself off from others, but I can’t help but help them. It’s just part of me, but getting helped back was such a simple thing I always forget. I just never expected anyone to do that for me since I lost my brother to the kilometers between us.  
“I’m gonna miss you guys, but I’ll work extra fast so I can come home to see everyone!” I said and Johnny rubbed back then let me go. I fanned my eyes, determined to not tear up and smiled at him.  
“I’m off, then.” I grabbed my luggage, tucking my package into my pocket and Johnny put his hand on my head and then smiled.  
“Be safe!”  
I nodded and then turned, not one for long goodbyes, and walked through the science division. I smiled at pretty much everyone, since we’re a pretty tight group of people, I didn’t stop to explain to anyone, but did smile and say lots of hellos and goodbyes.  
I looked to my left and I saw Lenalee approaching me.  
“Have a good trip Lilian!” She called to me as she jogged over and hugged me, leaning down to my height, even with my heels on she had to lean over.  
“If Kanda ever gets too intense, just ring me up on the golem, and I’ll give him a what-for.” Lenalee stood up and smiled at me.  
“Thanks Lenalee, but I can take care of myself. I’m your big elder, it’s my job to look after you.” I said, putting down my briefcase full of clothes. I put my hand on her face and she leaned into it slightly.  
“I know, but Kanda can be a little bit much sometimes.” She said and shrugged, standing up straight again. “I’ve known him for the past eight years, we kinda grew up together. If you’re ever really having issues with him, let me know. Promise?” She asked and I nodded, smiling.  
“I promise.”  
After another long hug and exchange of familial love, I continued on my way with blessings of luck from Lenalee.


	2. Fuck You and The Cultural Expectations I Have to Live With.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lillian starts to vividly remember why she was eager to transfer out of her original finder division.

I walked through the headquarters to the elevator and pressed the second to bottom button, carrying me to the underground river.

I sang to myself in the elevator, proud to have discovered my voice again, and got lost in it until I saw the doors opening on another floor, and I immediately shut my mouth, my face burning red.

_ By god, I hope they didn’t hear me. _

Kanda stepped into the elevator, and stood next to me, setting his one briefcase down.

_ Fuck. _

We just rode the elevator down in silence.

The boat and a finder was there waiting for us, and I smiled, stepping out of the elevator.

I approached the finder and stuck out my gloved hand, only to be shocked.

“Menagamer?” I asked and he looked at me then smiled.

“Hey! It’s the little firecracker! Menagamer hugged and picked me up, nearly cracking my spine and flattening my lungs.

“I thought you’d finally gotten caught! I haven’t heard any stories about my favorite fiery redhead lately.” He smiled and put me down.

Menagamer was my first trainer when I had been separated from Jason for ‘Finders training’.

“How’s Gozer doing?” He asked as he took my bags and put them into the boat as Kanda boarded, setting his briefcase down and sitting in the middle bench, facing towards the fornt of the boat.

“Well, he writes every so often now that I’m stationary in the office.” I smiled and Menagamer extended his hand to help me board into the gondola at the front, facing towards the back of the boat to Menagamer and Kanda.

“So they have you as an office monkey now? Ha! I never thought I’d see the day.” He smiled as he untied us from the dock and stepped onto the gondola, then kicked us off into the flow of the river.

“I know, it’s quite strange to think that with my reputation that I’d ever settle in the office.” I chuckled slightly, adjusting my scarf to go over my hair to cover it from the water droplets kicked up by the current of the river.

“And I  _ never _ thought I’d see you protecting your hair!” He laughed, as he pushed the boat forward, aided by the current.

I smiled and appreciated his comforting company.

Menagamer is a very tall, very burly, intense man from Australia with a thick accent and a heart as soft and fuzzy as a koala. His sandy brown hair was concealed by his hood, and his previously broken nose was slightly crooked, but he was still a fairly handsome man for being in his forties.

He updated me on some of my former teammates, and I’m sure he left out the ones who had died for the sake of my heart. I have to admit, I have changed a lot since I left finding. I’m less sharp or alert, I’m consistantly more exhausted and fragile. Although, I kept up a physical training regiment, it was less intense but still enough to keep me strong, but I had filled out as a lady, my hips and breasts had grown in, putting even more stress on my corset. I had to have Johnny help me re-string my corset so many times he just made me a new one. It was more up-to date with the current trends with metal ribbing instead of the old whale-bone one my grandmother passed down to me. It also made living and any kind of movement much easier. My grandmother always said I had freedom until I turned sixteen, and apparently that was true.

In our time, since my grandmother and her mother before her we’ve always been turned into ‘ladies’ by our age. At sixteen our skirtlines dropped to our ankles or below, our necklines receded to our throats and our sleeves were always cuffed unless they were rolled while we were working. I was no different. Two days before my sixteenth birthday, I was invited to the science division to work on golem reparations, clearly I accepted and made the transfer to headquarters where I had to dress more appropriately for my job. Shoes got a bit tighter, and my back aches more often, but it was easier to run the inn remotely from one position. I started to hold myself as a lady, rather than a girl too tired to fix her hair. Now, I wear it back to hide the quality of my hair, lest someone recognise my relationship to my uncle. It’s unlikely they’ll connect me to my always absent family member, but it’s a risk I’d rather not take.

“I’ve got to say, you’re a very pretty woman, now that you’re grown. How old are you now?”

“Eighteen, nearly nineteen.” 

“Wow! You’re a lady indeed. My sister was married and with her first child by your age.” Menagamer said and I tried my best not to cringe. Just the thought of being married at my age was like a nightmare, much less having a child.

“Well, that’s definitely not on my plate. I’d rather keep my job.” I said, shifting in my seat.

Menagamer laughed and kept talking about young marriages and how if my brother’s up to it, he should scout out a guy at headquarters to betrothe me to. I was getting increasingly uncomfortable and just wished to throw myself off the side of the boat, rather than be in this situation.

“Will you shut up?” Kanda asked, now pissed.

“Excuse me?” Menagamer responded, not in an asking way, but in a way that would easily instigate a fight.

“No one wants to hear about marriage or anything like it. People in this field as young as us barely survive, much less have time to marry someone!” Kanda said angrily.

Menagamer was shocked and just settled into silence after meeting my gaze and acknowledging my small nod.

Kanda crossed his arms and I was thankful that he said what I was thinking, albeit a bit rougher.

After an amazingly short ride, we exited the underground river and were swept down a wide river surrounded by plush evergreen forest on either side. I breathed in the scented air, it felt like my lungs were being opened up with each breath of fresh air I took. The cold air nipped at the exposed skin of my face and I was enthralled by the experience of being outside of the Black Order’s headquarters for the first time in years.

I took in every detail of the rocky shoreline and  the various fish that would appear, suddenly realise we were there, and disappear.

We were spat out onto a calm lake, it was clear and so smooth, it was  basically glass.

Awhile later we were welcomed by a dock where we disembarked, then were ushered into a carriage where Kanda and I rode in silence for the whole duration of the ride. 

After a bit, I remembered that Johnny had given me the parcel earlier. I pulled it out of my pocket. The brown wrapping paper was nothing special, with a purple ribbon tied in a big bow wrapped around it. I carefully unwound the ribbon and unfolded the paper. There was a pretty floral book sitting in the paper, and I turned it over to look at the cover. It had no title, and i opened it. The journal had small dotted lines to write on, and the front blank page had a little message from Reever. I smiled reading it, then turned a page to start journaling.

_ ~August 10th, 1901 _

_ This day marks my first mission as a science division member. For the next 18 (approximately) weeks this is my life. _

_ Today Kanda, Menagamer and I departed from HQ by gondola at 6:00 a.m. on the dot. It was nice to see Menagamer since he had trained me, but as soon as I revealed my age he asked if I was going to marry. It was quite uncomfortable, but Kanda intervened. I’m truly thankful for that. We went down the gorgeous river surrounded by trees to the lake, then the town. It was like I was going outside for the first time. Next, we boarded the carriage. _

I filled half a page with my small, tight cursive then stopped as I had reached the current point in time. It was a rickety ride once we left the city, I had to hold onto my bags to make sure none of my spare parts or small tools were damaged. My behind was left sore, and my back aching, until we suddenly stopped.

Menagamer knocked on the carriage then shouted “Piss break!”

I politely declined, but Kanda climbed out of the carriage, closing the door behind him. I stood and stretched as well as I could in my corset and in the tiny carriage. My spine cracked as I twisted sideways and my fingers cracked as I stretched them.

I bent over and stretched forwards, trying to loosen my tight legs and back. After that I sat down and picked the small science division golem out of my pocket. I opened it up to see the maintenance code on the inside and opened up my notebook to the back page, and wrote the golem’s code, day given to me and the nickname I’ve given it.

The cart leaned and creaked to my right as Kanda entered and took his seat. Soon after Menagamer closed the door from the outside and the carriage and we pitched to the right as our large australian courier took his seat. The reins snapped again and we were again moving.

I peeked out of the curtain covering the window next to me to look at the passing trees.

“Hey! Put that back!” Kanda snapped and I let go of the curtain, letting it fall back into place.

“Excuse me?” I asked, tilting my head.

“We can’t let anyone know who’s in here. It’s-”

“Idiotic. We have a finder out in uniform driving us, they’re going to know someone of the Black Order is in here. You need not yell at me, especially when you are capable of calmly explaining it.” I retorted.

Momentarily he was shocked, then his eyebrows furled angrily and he took a deep breath.

“We shouldn’t peek out of the windows,  _ because _ many of the carriages that come through also carry cargo, not just humans. We never know who is watching.” He explained ‘calmly’ through gritted teeth, fists clenching and unclenching as he worked through it.

“Thank you, I understand. I won’t peek anymore.” I said calmly. Then sat away from the windows.

The rest of the journey was silent except for Menagamer’s occasional singing. By nightfall everything on my body was sore, and my tools had been jostled terribly despite my best efforts. Menagamer knocked on the cabin again as we slowed down.

“Alrighty kids, we’re at the Inn. Grab your stuff while I head on in and sign you in. Exit on her left.” He said. I gathered my bags, sticking my journal in a large pocket and standing. Kanda exited first, then after I stepped down from the carriage he closed the door behind me and we headed in. It was a quaint place, a few finders lounging about eating dinner, the smell of which made my stomach growl.

Menagamer escorted us to our rooms and handed us our keys, Kanda next to me, and Menagamer across the hall. I set my bag of clothes down, then immediately left the room again, to go and eat.

  
  


In a dining room off of the side of the reception area of the Inn, they were serving Lapskaus with bread, Mead and ginger biscuits. I walked up to the counter where the Inn was serving the food and took healthy portions of every bit of food, skipping out on the beloved honey wine.

After thanking the cook, who stood at the end of the food line, I was greeted with a huge smile from the bear-like man and took a seat seperate from others. I started to dig into my food and suddenly felt like my tongue and my soul were receiving a hug. I melted as the hearty beef stew revitalized me and simultaneously lulled me to sleep. This is pure comfort food. The steam rising off of the stew did nothing to deter me from eating as quickly and heartily as possible, using bits of bread here and there, as to not waste it. THen, as I finished i wiped the bowl clean with the soft side of my bread crust and sighed contentedly. My corset had become uncomfortably tight, much to my chagrin, but that did not stop me from finishing my ginger snaps. I bussed the table quietly, and left the room just as unnoticed as I did while entering. I turned the corner and bumped breast-and-nose first into Menagamer, who stepped back as I did, then scooped me under his arm.

“You leaving already? Come on, I’ve got some men for ya to meet. It’s imperative ya start looking for men before all of your baby-making bits stop workin’.”

“Excuse me? Did you just offer to find me a man lest my uterus cease to function?” I asked incredulously. I was suddenly starting to remember why I was requesting to transfer out of the unit at age fourteen. I love the man dearly, and I do see why he sees he needs to help me. It’s just the culture we live in, but Holy Shit this is demeaning.

“Yes. I figure since your older brother and father aren’t around to help set you up with suitors, I could help ya out by vetting some young finder bulls while we’re out here.” He smiled.

“Thank you, but honestly this will not go the way you want it to. I do not wish to be set up with someone I will never see, much less could be dispatched and perish any day. Do you wish to see me as a pregnant widow Menagamer? Is that what you wish of me?” I tried to weave my way out of this situation with sweet words, tugging on his heart.

“That’s why I’ll find you the best of the best! No perishing husbands here.” Menagamer turned me around by my shoulders and pushed me into the room again. I dug my heels in and went as stiff as a board, but I was easily outdone in my stuffed and weary state by Menagamer who sat me forcibly in a seat at a table of men varying in age, size, and apparent kindness towards me.

“Well boys, how many of ya are single? This lovely young scientist is up on the market for a man and since her familial men aren’t here to take care of it, I’m steppin’ up as to help her settle and find a man.” Menagamer sounded like I was a charity case, needing to be handed off to a man for them to take the burden off of his shoulders.

“Well, I know Buzz over there is lookin’ for a new wife after the last one passed.” A small, lithe man sitting directly across the round wooden table from me spoke up. He pointed out a bald man with painting on his face.

“No.” I said, making it very clear I was not in a cordial mood.

“Alrighty, anyone younger? Say, twenty-three, twenty-four? She needs a man to provide for her, not any cocky bull will do for my heifer here.” Menagamer asked again, putting a hand on my shoulder that I aggressively swept off with my right hand.

“Do  _ not _ refer to me as a  _ fucking cow _ .  _ I am not a piece of livestock that you can sell off. _ ” I took a nasty tone with Menagamer who lowered his eyebrows at me. He was intimidating, I can admit, but I will  _ not _ let myself be paraded and bred like livestock.

“Well, my buddy Price at the table over is Twenty-five. Already a pretty high-up. He’s escorted exorcists before, and was promoted a few times. He’s a real up-and-comer. Smart lad too.” The man to my right spoke up and pointed out a handsome man at the next table who was enjoying some Mead and gingersnaps with his mates.

“That’s it, I’m leaving. I refuse to be diluted and insulted any further. I shouldn’t have even let you push me in here.” I stood abruptly, knocking my chair against Menagamer’s as I spun out of it and marched towards the archway to the reception. A large hand roughly caught my small wrist as I was pulled back. I resisted and turned my head.

“Menagamer, let me go.” I said, trying to free my wrist all the while.

“Come on, I’m doing ya a favor, now stop being ungrateful and sit back down.”

“No! I will not sit down and have you talk about me like I’m a burden to humanity by being a woman! I am adept at my job, and fully able to provide for myself. I will never marry a man who treats me like I am unintelligent, a burden or who has fooled himself into thinking that men are the superior end-all be-all! You trained me when I was a child, but I am not the same naive girl you met. I am a grown woman able of making my own educated decisions. This is not one of them.” I yanked my wrist from the grasp of Menagamer and started through the lobby before turning around and staring at Menagamer again.

“And next time you think you can grab my wrist like that, I will break your arm and kick your dick in so hard you’ll have to retrieve it from your throat!” I gave him a dirty glance before heading back down the hall towards my room. Kanda  opened his door to see me approaching.

“Why are you being so loud?”

“I don’t start fusses, but I sure as fucking hell end them. Next time Menagamer tries to fucking grab my wrist again and marry me off to a room of strangers, I’m going to use Mügen to chop him into bits and get rid of his body minced-meat-pie style!” I started to furiously dig through my pockets and found my key, jamming it into the lock of the door.

Kanda stood there shocked, and I took a breath, trying to calm myself. “I’m sorry, you didn’t need to know all that. There was a fuss, I’m fine, but I am happy to be relieved of Menagamer tomorrow.” I stepped into the clean room, then closed the door behind me, tossing the keys onto the vanity in the corner.

I started to furiously strip from my coat, gloves, and overcoat. All the while, I started to angrily mutter to myself. “ _ That damn imbecile trying to get me married. Like hell I need a man to hold me back in my life. ‘Heifer’? My ass, a heifer. I’m not a fucking cow, you bastard. I’m gonna fucking report you to Komui once I’m done with this mission. I hope your wife smacks some sense into you one day, you arrogant cunt. _ ” I vented all the while, and threw my dress onto the bed, furiously folded it, then repeated the process while removing my petticoats and corset cover. 

By the time I had finally gotten down to my corset I had dulled to an angered grumble, then a sigh of relief as I released my corset strings allowing my breasts and back a rest. I pulled the breast-trap over my head and discarded it at the foot of the bed and took off my shoes, stocking garters and stockings. I was left contentedly in a slip and drawers as I pulled out a purple over dress as I packed my current overdress away and arranged my clothing items on a chair,layering them in what order I would don them in the morning with the last on bottom. After sitting at the vanity and pulling out my grandmother’s hair pick and the preposterous amount of hairpins I use I finger combed through my waist-length crimson hair and settled down for bed, turning out the oil wall lamps keeping the room lit. I closed and locked my window and tossed my room key into the vanity with my hairpins. After an inspection of the  bed and the reassuring lack of stains I crawled comfortably into bed and fell quietly into sleep.

At about midnight, I woke from my comfortable bed to the realization that I had to relieve myself. Badly. I turned over on my other side, curled up, lay on my back like a star fish, but nothing could help me to return to sleep other than doing the deed. I sighed heavily and pulled a nightgown from my suitcase and pulled it over my head, pulled my hair over one shoulder and set off down the hall, leaving my door open by a crack so I would not need to bring my keys. Lightly I padded down the carpeted hall on bare feet to the communal bathroom. 

It was clean and tidy, all the tiles shone dully against the soft light of the oil lamps. I quickly found a toilet stall and relieved myself, then quickly washed my hands, then washed my face with the warm water. After drying my hands and face off on the hem of my nightgown I returned down the hall quietly and pressed my door open, quietly closing it behind me. Silence and darkness welcomed me back to my bed, lulling me into a peaceful sleep.


	3. Trains.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The less exciting aspect of world travel, transportation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a chapter where I struggled heavily with writer's block, so it may seem a little clunky to read. The next one will be an improvement I swear!

There was a harsh series of knocks on my door, stirring me suddenly. Rising from my bed, and hefting my hair over one shoulder, I approached the door.

Kanda stood on the other side of the door, white button-up shirt tucked into his trousers and his pants high on his hips. His exorcist coat was nowhere in sight and it took me moment to recognise him with his hair down.

“Get ready, we leave in twenty minutes for the train station. We’ll be boarding with civilians.”

“I’ll get ready. Thank you.” I mumbled sleepily, closing the door lightly. I put on my socks, shoes, changed my slip, and pulled on my corset. After the painfully long process of buttoning up a tiny-buttoned shirt without a hook, pulling on a skirt and donning gloves, was then the task of managing my hair. After packing my discarded clothes and getting everything else prepared, I set about twisting and pinning my hair to achieve the current hairstyle, the ‘gibson girl’ bun. Thankfully I have copious amounts of hair to tame, so this is a convenient hairstyle to contain it all. After months of experimenting, over twenty pins, and a mirror I pulled all of my hair up in less than four minutes, pulling on a coat and gloves before another knock stirred the silence. I picked up my bags, only setting one to the side of the door while I opened the door, then smiled at Kanda.

“Are we all prepared?”

“Yes, Menagamer is insisting that we skip our meal here to have it on the train instead, says we’ll save time that way.”

“Alright, well, let’s head on then. Best not to wait in these situations.” I grabbed my other bag, closed the door with my foot behind me and set down the hall with Kanda walking closely with me. I proceeded out of the inn to place my items in the carriage, then pack myself in as well, staying away from the windows. Kanda looked around, entered the carriage and settled across from me, next to his suitcase. Soon enough we heard Menagamer ascend the carriage’s front to smack the reigns and startle our horses into motion. Most of the morning the ride was rough and bumpy, but occasional smooth roads allowed me to doze off, trying my best to rest in the early morning.

_ I wish I’d brought a book… Maybe there will be a small book stand at the train station? Do I even have the right currency? Wait, how are we supposed to buy meals if we don’t have change? Is everything pre-paid? Damn, how did I not ask about this sooner? _

I looked across at the casually-dressed Kanda. He wore oxford style shoes with black slacks and a white button-up shirt. His hair was still down, and he let it drape whichever way it pleased.

_ Goodness, his hair is absolutely beautiful. I’m so damn jealous. It’s so silky and shiny, unlike my mess of red… Maybe I should dye it. Black maybe? Mom’s hair was black, it would make sense… _

“What?” Kanda spoke up.

_ Damn it. I must have been staring while was thinking. I need to learn how to stare somewhere else. _

“Ah, sorry, I was lost in thought. Do you know if we were given any money for our journey?”

“We’ll receive it as we board the train, there’s a setup for finders travelling as civilians where they get handed their pre-purchased tickets. We’ll do the same thing, but since we have our whole journey ahead of us, we’ll both be receiving our salaries incrementally. Komui told me before I left, he forgot to put it in the file.” He explained quickly.

“Thank you Kanda.” I said quietly, then stared at my gloved hands as I lost myself in thought again.

_ I should apologize to him for venting at him yesterday when I was angry at Menagamer, it wasn’t right of me to do that. I got angry and it was uncalled for, for me to take it out on Kanda. _

“Kanda?” I asked, still looking at my hands.

“Hm.” He grunted in response.

“I’m sorry about yelling at you yesterday, when I was angry at Menagamer. I shouldn’t have taken out my anger on you, and I’m very sorry for that.”

“Apology accepted.” Was all he said, but I still felt guilt built up in the back of my throat, and burning in my cheeks.

The rest of the carriage ride was silent, but I was so lost in thought that conversation would have been a moot point anyways.

Only when we came to a sudden jerking stop was I shocked out of my stupor, causing me to look up and around. Kanda stood and grabbed his suitcase, and I swiftly followed suit. As he opened the door and stepped out anxiety swept over me at the thought of talking to Menagamer again after what happened last night, so I walked closer to Kanda than usual, almost being smacked by his hair. We made a straight shot into the front gate and around a corner, I didn’t turn around but I could feel Menagamer’s eyes burning a hole through my skull.

_ I’m despicable. First I go off on him about not needing a man and being able to care for myself, then I hide behind Kanda like a coward due to my fear of backlash… I’m the worst. _

Kanda led me through the small train station to a book stand where he briefly  flashed his jacket in his suitcase, then we were handed a bill in local currency and ticket each. I took my ticket and smiled at the elderly woman who waved us goodbye before going back to reading her newspaper. We found a quiet bench where we relaxed until the train came. Four people off-boarded, then we boarded quickly, finding our seats next to each other. I pulled out our trip itinerary to double-check which stop we were disembarking at. Kanda leaned in and looked over my shoulder, looking at the itinerary as well.

“I don’t even know how to pronounce that…” I mumbled while looking at the name of the station.

_ Why the Black Order decided to have their European base of operations in the middle of Norway, I both understand and detest. Middle-of-nowhere in Norway means less likely attack or intrusion, but it’s also hell for anyone to get in or out of. Also, I can’t pronounce any of these cities with umlauts. I studied Latin and German, but I’m completely lost on all of these really northern languages. Maybe Norwegian should be my next language. Well, I speak better than I read, so would it even really matter? _

“All we have to do is keep our eye out for the finder.” Kanda said, then sat back in his chair and crossed his arms.

“I would still always rather be prepared.” I sighed, then tried to figure out if I could sound it out mentally before trying to mutter it.

After that I settled into my seat and slipped back into a dream.

“Lillian! Wake up, it’s time to go.” I woke up, threw the blankets off and rushed to the wooden door, rushing down the stairs.  _ Wait, no, no! I know this isn’t right- _

I stopped halfway down the staircase and backed up.

_ This is a dream, I know it’s a dream I know I should be able to stop this- _

“Lillian Beata Cross! Get yourself down here! We can’t be late!” I heard my mother’s angry voice clearly in my mind. I looked down and I was all dressed in Black.

“No! I won’t go!” I screamed back down the stairs then ran back into my room, locking the door behind me.

“Lilian, come out. Mom can’t deal with this right now.”

“I don’t care! I’m not going! No one should be going! Something terrible is going to happen, I know it! Nonna always told me to let myself know and I know!” I yelled back, running to my bunny stuffy and hugging it tightly, trying to calm myself.

“Lilian! You get yourself out here right now!” My mother started unlocking the door, then Jason came into my room and picked me up.

“Stop it! I’m not going! I’m not going! Something is bad about this! Stop it! Put me down!” I screamed at the top of my lungs before Jason descended the stairs. I was writhing as much as possible before I was pulled by my arm down the cobbled street.

“Stop it! I’m not going! I’m not going! Something bad’s gonna happen! No!” I was dragged down the street to the town’s church where the large wooden doors loomed over me as I screamed  and protested, I clung onto the doors, clawing and trying to escape.

“Lillian-”

I gasped and stood stock-upright, grabbing the head of the seat in front of me in a vice-grip.

“I’m going to get food.” I said and quickly walked away from Kanda, too shaken to try and explain my subconscious struggles.

_ It’s ok to be weak sometimes Lillian, and that’s all that was. That’s ok. It will come back to you sporadically for the rest of your life, but that’s just how these things go. You will learn with age how to control it better. That’s not how it went, but dreams are strange, and the subconscious is a strange and still misunderstood aspect of the human condition- _

I walked quickly in the direction that I thought the food cart was, pushing my way steadily through a rattling, yet almost empty train. Each car was only filled with five to ten people, all spread out or huddled in clusters of two to three. As I passed through one cart a little girl with curly blonde hair and brown eyes waved at me, causing me to pause and smile at her, waving gently at the little girl. She sat with a man who I assumed was her father, he also had blond hair and shared a similar nose to her, who smiled and nodded at my gesture. I quickly curtseyed and continued my way to the food cart.

_ That girl was so cute! I hope to have a child that adorable one day. If I can. If I’m alive. Or the Order hasn’t fallen, or any one of many terrible things have happened. But my job comes first. Well, I’d also have to find a man by then, and that’s not high on my priority list at this point. Actually with everything that happened last night I’m fairly turned away by men. I have been for awhile now, actually. They always come onto me in the worst way imaginable. Either terrible pickup lines which many times somehow find a way to both compliment and demean my existence, or literally picking me up and setting me somewhere to then use a terrible pickup line on me. I know I’m short, but whatever gave anyone the idea that short people like to be picked up? We’re not children! _

I finally came upon the food cart where there was a spread of pastries and candies, and what looked like tea, but if I couldn’t read it I wouldn’t order it. I waved and got the attention of a man with a very severe handlebar moustache, heavy bags under his eyes and glasses perched at the end of a long hooked nose, which he looked down upon in order to read a newspaper. He stood up from his seat and smiled at me, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and said something in Norwegian I absolutely could not understand. I smiled at him and pointed at a pastry, then he nodded, used some tongs to wrap it in some paper then took the money I offered, gave me change with the food and sent me on my way.

_ I don’t know what this is, where it came from, or if I was just totally robbed at that price, but I’ll probably never find out. _ I walked back through the train, waved at the little girl again, then to Kanda as I took my seat next to him again, eating the pastry as he looked sullenly out the window.

He had one elbow propped into the windowsill and stared out of the window into the forests. He wore his hair loose and long, most of it draped along his back or his wide shoulders, which stood out well against his thin, yet fit frame. His face was cast in different lights as we glided through the trees and sunshine bespeckled his features.

_ Wow, Kanda looks handsome right now. Wait, stop that. He’s your partner. You’re going to be stuck with him for the next few months, now is not the time to start admiring good looks! Although I don’t need to worry about falling for him romantically. He’s much to abrasive, so it will never happen between us anyways, thankfully. Workplace relationships never work out, plus he was right with what he had said to Menagamer the other night, it will only work if we survive that long. Which in our field of work is… Doubtful. At best. In fact, I’m not sure he likes women at all. _

I sighed at the thought of Kanda or I’s inevitable deaths, but it’s the human condition. I took another bite of the pastry to find it was filled with apples and cinnamon! It’s a fairly rare combination this far north, but since it connects at a train station that connects with Oslo, it would make sense to have them.

“Kanda, do you like pastries? I forgot to ask if you wanted anything, but you can have some of mine if you would like. It’s apple cinnamon.” I broke the long pastry awkwardly in half, part breaking part tearing and offered him the still unbitten half.

“I don’t eat sweets.”

“Have you tried it before?”

“No, I just don’t like sweet things.”

_ ‘I just don’t like it’ when you haven’t even tried it? I swear this man acts more like a child the more I get to know him. He acts like he’s 8 or something. _

“Well, have it your way. Can’t say I didn’t offer.” I said then re-wrapped the other half in the paper while I continued my portion. There was an audible rumbling of a nearby stomach, and when I turned my head to see if Kanda noticed, he shifted slightly and covered his stomach with a large while looking very intently into the forest. I wrapped up the pastry and set it in his lap.

“I’m going to the restroom, feel free to have the rest. I can’t eat all of it anyways, so if you don’t want it then you can find the garbage.” I said, brushing off my petticoat and skirt, dislodging the pastry flakes then moving on to the lavatory.

After a complicated mass of skirts, ties and the difficulty a moving train, I was able to relieve myself into a fairly sophisticated toilet for a train and clean my hands. When I returned there was no paper packet filled with pastry.

_ So he either pocketed it, ate it or tossed it. I really wish he would have just eaten it- _ I looked at the floor and his lap as I sat down and noticed crumbs of pastry.

_ Ha. _ I smiled slightly in victory, then pulled out my journal to continue my writing.


End file.
